living on a prayer.

November 24, 2008 - 2 Responses

Regarding my title: I heard that song on my way home today. Forgot I liked it so much until I heard it again. But I guess we are all kind of living on a prayer. What I mean is, nothing is certain in this life we’ve been given. I have finally learned that all we have for sure is the moment we are in so we might as well enjoy it and live it to the fullest.

Eh, anyway …

Today was a good day, mostly because I only have a 2-day work week and one of those days is already over! I am so ready for a mini-break from work. And I’m definitely ready for a good Thanksgiving dinner. It’s my favorite holiday of the year. I think part of the reason is it doesn’t cost anything (minus the money spent on food). What I mean, really, is it isn’t a time when you are expected to buy presents (like Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter …) and it really is just a time to BE with the people you care about. And, of course, eat the delicious food that you [I] only get once a year.

This year, we are spending the day with my family and then heading over to the in-laws to watch the football game that evening.

Okay, so this is my first entry and while I’m not quite sure what I want this blog to really be for me … I’m trying it out. We’ll see how it goes and what it turns into …


pie for breakfast.

November 28, 2008 - One Response

Rarely do I have homemade pies in my house so I’m taking advantage of it and indulging in a breakfast of chocolate pecan pie and buttermilk pie. My two favorites.

I definitely indulged yesterday. I ate a crap ton of delicious food and kept going even when I was so full I thought I might explode.

Speaking of indulgence …

My brother, John, is doing really well in rehab. He has been an addict for most of his life. He tried to commit suicide and ended up [finally] allowing us to put him in a treatment facility. It is a Christian-based rehab facility. He is still in Phase One, but now has a room of his own and finally embracing the environment. Yesterday, my nephew brought a very nice Bible he purchased for John and we all signed it with messages of pride, encouragement and love.

My husband, who has made no secret what he thinks of my brother, only wrote “Happy Thanksgiving” and that was all. I wasn’t going to say anything about it even though it bothered me because I think – regardless of what you think of my brother and the bad choices he’s made throughout his life – we should all do our small part to lift him up. I finally [calmly] explained how it really bothered me that he could be so cold. Yes, my brother has made a lot of mistakes. Yes, my brother has hurt all of us through the years. Yes, my brother has been a liar and a thief and a drug addict.

But my brother is also a human being. One with a kind and loving heart, very funny. He’s been through things I can never understand. He saves every scrap of food leftover on a plate because there was a time when he didn’t even have a roof over his head, much less food on regular basis. And, yes, I understand that he did that to himself because all he cared about was his addiction. But I also know that it is something we really can’t relate to beause we’ve never been an addict.

Regardless of what we may think of my brother and and the bad choices he has made, that he is still our my family. Like it or not, the man is MY brother. Right now, he is putting all of his effort and energy into getting clean and sober. The least we could do while we are sitting around a huge Thanksgiving meal surrounded by our family is give him some words of encouragement to help him over whatever the next hurdle may be.

Not everyone is easy to love, but everyone does deserve it.



November 27, 2008 - One Response

Yes, it’s only 10:50 a.m. and I’ve already had a helping of my mom’s sinfully delicious dressing. I wait all year for this day. My mom makes my two favorite things: dressing (of the cornbread variety) and chocolate pecan pie.

As I was taking my first bites of dressing, I started reminiscing about years past … Back when my grandmother was the maker of the famous dressing. I didn’t like it as much as a kid as I do now. I always said she didn’t “chop her stuff” up enough. My mom, though, uses my grandmothers exact recipe except she shops all the ingredients (celery, onions, etc.) up very finely for me. Now that’s love … She modified the recipe just enough so that it’s perfect for me. We also laughed as we remembered the times someone else wanted to take on the dressing … like when one of my aunt’s she put so much sage that the dressing turned out green! After that particular dinner, my uncle announced that next year Granny would be making the dressing!

When I was younger, I could have really cared less about the dressing. Or the whole tradition of it all. I guess in a way, the same way I was towards my mother. I took for granted my mother’s unconditional love and support. I didn’t appreciate it the way I do now. Especially knowing that I won’t always have my mother’s here on Earth to love, support and protect me. So, while I go on and on about how much I love her dressing, I’m really saying so much more. I can’t imagine a life without my mother, much like I can’t imagine a Thanksgiving without her dressing. Today is not just about delicious food, it’s about being thankful for the blessings in my life beginning with my precious mother.


the day before.

November 26, 2008 - 2 Responses

The day before. Obviously, today is the day before tomorrow which is … Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday which I think I covered in my last blog. I won’t go into that all over again.

So, one of my friends wrote a blog the other day … Basically about trying to redefine her life by allowing herself to be more selfish as opposed to always trying to do the opposite. I know that I spent a lot of my life feeling like I needed to be everything for everyone and always ending up feeling not good enough because you can’t possibly be everything for everyone. To expect that of yourself is basically just setting yourself up for failure. And to expect others to be everything for you is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Something I’m so good at. Feeling disappointed and like a failure.

But I’ve been working on that … It’s a work in progress because it’s not always easy to change the things you’ve basically told yourself over and over and over. But it’s possible.

I’ve had failed relationships, marriages, friendships, etc. And the one things I promised myself I would never do in my current marriage is … This man will not be my everything. That is asking entirely too much of him and he can never live up to it. Granted, he is the most important relationship I have. I rely on him for so much. But would I wither and die if I didn’t have it? No, I really wouldn’t. I’m not trying to sound cold and say that I, if anything did happen to him or us, wouldn’t be devastated. I would have a tremendous hole in my heart. But I also know that I am stronger than I have given myself credit for in the past and I would pick myself up and move forward with my life.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I think I had to come up with a new philosophy for the people in my life. Because wanting to be everyone’s everything and vice versa just wasn’t working for me. I decided that I needed to surround myself with people who love me, respect me and support me. People who I trust will be there during the good times and the bad. Life is so much easier when you can trust the people you care about.

No one really knows what it is like to be you. No one else has ever walked in your [my] shoes. I try to tell myself this on a daily basis: The past has already happened. I can’t do a damn thing to change it. So, stop letting it control my future. The future hasn’t happened yet so I need to stop stressing over it. All I have is today. And it’s my responsibility to live in this moment and make it the best I can for myself and the people I love.